How to Have a Confident Conversation
Having Difficult Conversations
Sometimes, in hospital, things do not go well. Your child may be having a bad day, one of the medical team might’ve said the wrong thing or not told you information you needed to know. At some point you may need to have a serious conversation with someone who works for the hospital. This can be a straightforward, quick way to stop or change something that bothers you.
This might be difficult for you. It’s ok to not feel confident in hospital or when talking to medical professionals. It’s very common to find some people easier to talk to – and trust – than others. Many parents and carers find that they have a better relationship with their child’s bedside nurse than they do with consultants.
Many people also don’t like confrontation. You might be tired and emotionally overwhelmed by being in hospital with your sick child. You might be angry and feel the medical professionals should be able to do better without your feedback. All these feelings are completely normal, but they can be overcome.
Many parents also fear that raising concerns or tackling issues directly with medical professionals will impact negatively on their child’s care. This should never happen. If you think it has happened, you should make a formal complaint. See our information on making a complaint here. You should also make a complaint immediately if a medical professional had seriously endangered your child.
In an ideal world, difficult conversations would be unnecessary, but medical professionals are human and can make mistakes. As a parent, you have a right to expect the highest standards of care for your child. Sometimes, the only way to get that, is to have a difficult conversation.
How to Have a Confident Conversation
- Start by writing down what went wrong and what needs to happen to make it right. For example, a doctor may have been rude and unsympathetic to your child when they took bloods, and you want an apology. It helps to write this down before you have a conversation so you can be clear with the person you’re talking to. Be realistic about the solution – asking for an apology, for example, is perfectly reasonable. If it was a very upsetting situation, you may want to ask for a different medical professional to treat our child. However, except in the most serious cases, it is not realistic to expect a medical professional to be fired or suspended.
- You might find it helpful to have someone you trust with you during the conversation, a friend or family member. They can emotionally support you but also act as a practical support, for example reminding you of things you might have forgotten in the meeting. It can also be helpful to have someone to who can verify your memory of the conversation.
- You might also find it helpful to take notes, so you don’t have to remember everything and you can refer back later.
- Tell the medical professionals how you are feeling. Try using statements like “when you said/did that, I felt…”, “it made me feel…” or “it made my child feel…”. It’s hard to disagree with someone’s feelings and it avoids putting the person you’re talking to on the offensive. You may well blame them for what happened (and you might well be right) but starting an aggressive conversation is much less likely to get you what you want than a calm conversation.
- Be prepared for medical professionals to be poorly prepared for a difficult conversation. The best medical professionals will engage with you and take your conversation as an opportunity to get better. However, some will feel threatened and try to defend themselves. Don’t get drawn in – remind yourself why you’re there. Focus on what the issue is and what you want to make it right.
- You may find that the resolution offered by the medical professional is not what you originally wanted. It’s ok to change your mind and accept a different solution. It’s also ok to stick to what you feel you need.
- If there is anything else going on in your life which is making things difficult for you – tell the key medical professionals involved in your child’s care. You do not go into detail – share as much as you feel comfortable sharing – but it can be helpful for them to know that you have other stress in your life right now.
- After the meeting, you might find it useful to send an email to the people in the meeting setting out what you discussed and what you agreed. This gives you something to refer back to and will immediately identify if anyone else in the meeting has a different understanding of what was discussed or agreed.
- If the conversation doesn’t get you a resolution, you can make a formal complaint. See our information on making a complaint here.
More Information and Support
More Information and Support
- The Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health and the charity, Together for Short Lives, have created advice which aims to promote consensus between parents and doctors when they face difficult decisions about a child’s care. You can give this to medical professionals or use it as a tool to highlight what the medical professionals didn’t do right.
- The Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health and the charity, Together for Short Lives, have created advice which aims to promote consensus between parents and doctors when they face difficult decisions about a child’s care. You can give this to medical professionals or use it as a tool to highlight what the medical professionals didn’t do right.